They all interact with one another. If you lose one it inevitably puts a chink in the chain. Makes the chain weaker and unstable. We will have changes in our lives that will create such chaos, pain, irreversible consequences, they will bring us literally to our knees. We wonder if we will ever get back up again, some days we are barely able to lift one leg and kneel on a knee. Until we are knocked right back down again. Over and over this happens until we think, I can’t take anymore! I just want it to stop! And some of us, the ones who are just beaten down too much, their chain is unrepairable. So they give in to what they think will bring them peace. But it doesn’t bring peace, it only brings unbearable pain to the people who love them. I do not consider the beaten down ones weak, just in too much pain to carry on their own.
I have fought within myself about writing this post, you see my daughter committed suicide and I am having a very hard time coming to terms with it. As I sit here and write this the tears are flowing from my eyes. I feel as if my very heart has been ripped from my chest. I don’t know when or if this pain will ever go away. I wish I knew how to make it easier because it is an unbearable pain, it will beat you down to your knees. I don’t know how to make it easier for me. I am here writing this because I know I have burdened my family and friends with this so much that they have to be tired of hearing it from me. But it just keeps coming back feeling like that first day that I found out. When I got that god awful phone call! “Your child is dead.”
Can someone please just tell me how the hell you make the pain and sorrow go away. Was it my fault?? Should I have done more for my child? Should I have protected her????? Anyone please just tell me how????