As I sit here drinking my morning coffee thinking back on the past 14 years of my life all that continuously runs through my mind is ‘I have just had enough’.
I have had enough of being ignored. I have had enough of feeling like I’m just being used. I have had enough of not being touched. I have had enough of being made to feel as if I’m just an annoying bother that has to be kept around. I have had enough of loving whole heartedly but not receiving the same. I have had enough of being snapped at for no apparent reason. I have just had enough.
I am a woman, a lady who deserves to be treated as such. I deserve to be loved just as strongly as I give my love. I deserve to be supported with just as much support as I give. I deserve to be touched because I AM beautiful. I deserve to be treated as a human being I AM not a burden. I deserve to get what I give.
Throughout my 43 years of life I have worn my heart upon my shoulder. I was just recently told I am very empathic. This hit me in a confusing way. It made me feel wonderful but in the same breathe it made me feel idiotic. Because of this very strong emotion I have (empathy) I have been torn apart bit by bit throughout my 43 years. But it is a big part of me. It is who I am. I love to care for people. I love to help people. I love to carry them when they feel they cannot walk. It brings me so much joy and happiness to see the sorrow, the pain leave thier eyes because I have taken their burdens away. But there are also repercussions to empathy.
These repercussions will tear you apart. As if a lion is hovering above you slashing your body with his mighty claws. While all you can do is lay there immobile feeling each slash of pain that rips through your body but unable to stop it. When the lion thinks he is done when he thinks he has left you for dead he looks into your eyes with no remorse turns and walks away. Your left laying there flayed wide open and bleeding out with emense pain.
But yet you still do not give up. You still have strength within you. So as you lay there you feed off this strength and heal yourself until you feel you are once again able to stand on your own two feet. Never changing who you are. Never letting the pain defeat the empathic human being you thrive to be. Why you ask? How can you continue to be empathic towards the human race when all they do is whatch as the lion tears you apart? Simple it is who I am.
I will always remain true to who I am because the pain doesn’t tear me apart, it doesn’t make me who I am. It doesn’t hold me down. It makes me stronger, it makes me more empathic, it makes me feel sorry for the people who feel they must hurt the ones who help them.
What does hurt me is knowing that I must let these people go. That I can no longer carry them. That I have to sit and watch as they struggle with their pain and sorrow. This is what hurts me. Because I want so badly to carry them again but know I cannot. Because in time the lion will reach my heart and rip it out. Then my strength my weapon will be no more. I must protect my weapon so I will always be able to defeat the lion. Show him I am stronger and you will bow down at my feet in submission. I will tame the lion to become my pet.
I have been rewarded though in the last year of these 43 years I have found my greatest weapon. I have found love, support, honesty, a pedestal that I can sit upon and will always hold me up no matter how heavy I become. My beautiful Arabian stallion that will run with the speed of greatness so the lion cannot catch me. My stallion that I can care for, support, love unconditionally, give my empathy to and know in my heart it will be protected. I have been greatly rewared.
So even though you feel as if ‘you have just had enough’ never give up because in time you will recieve your reward.