Well I was inside with my husband listening to him go on and on about the new life he is going to live and how excited he is about it. Unbeknownst to him that each word he utters is a dagger to my heart. His laughing, his joking creating more pain in me.
So now I sit out here on my front porch in the swing. Its 11:00pm and cold but I can no longer sit in that house with him. I’m sitting here for several reasons wondering why I’m yet again crying over this, over him. He has hurt me so much over the years. Pain I just kept to myself, is it my fault? Should I have spoken up and told him he was hurting me? Would it have mattered to him? I honestly don’t know.
As I think of the bad times I also think of the good ones and it just makes the pain stronger, it makes the tears flow freer.
I know I have drove my friends and family members crazy with me constantly talking about this. And I truly don’t want to burden them. But when I talk it seems to ease the pain a bit. So here I am again writing in this journal that I’m sure no one will read but I know someone is out there at least. Maybe someone who is going through the same thing as me. If I came across you I wouldn’t say a word I would just walk up to you and hug you tightly as we both stood there holding one another up hoping the tears we shed and the warmth of our hug would somehow take away some of the pain.
I know people will tell you the pain will ease with time. Yes I beleive you but the journey through this dark forest of pain is very lonely very scary and all you want is someone holding your hand and helping you find your way out.
But then you have the worry of being a burden to them. So now your back in that dark forest alone. Its no ones fault but a choice you make. Why do you choose to walk alone and not be a burden because you fear of losing another loved one. And you know your heart can’t take another loss now or in the future.
So you find yourself sitting in a swing late at night listening to music in the cold on your front porch writing your words on a screen in a journal. Hoping that it will at least take a small piece of the pain with it when you hit post.
I’m not sure how long I will sit here maybe until dawn or maybe until my phone dies. I just don’t know. What I do know is I can’t stand to be inside with him and his words that turn into daggers. I just want it to pass, to please go away.
Never would I purposely inflict pain on someone, never would I want them to feel as I do now.
Someone anyone just hold my hand for a while. Let me feel your warmth.