I’m sitting here in my room ALONE looking out my window. The sun is shining, but that is not my main focus. I sit here and look at the dark and dreary trees that spring has not yet brought back to life. It reflects the way I feel right now. I have recently relocated, moved away from my friends and family. (Again) Also not quite a year ago my ‘soon to be’ ex-husband left me.
Since then I have been trying to pull my life together, and some things are improving. Some things are looking brighter. But the fact still remains I am alone. Some days I’m good, some days the loneliness surrounds me and it can be overwhelming. Today would be one of those days
Sure I’ve been told ‘get out there’ meet new people, make new friends. Hell, I’ve told this to myself a few times! But hearing it, saying it and doing it are entirely two different things. My experience with people has not been the best in my lifetime. And you start to build these walls and barricade yourself behind them. Do I wish to be locked in this box alone with nothing more than my own thoughts? No, I want to get out there meet new people, make new friends, learn new things! But thinking it, saying it, putting it into action is a whole other ball game.
So now I sit here in my room, the only space I have, and look out at the dark and dreary trees, wishing I wasn’t so alone.
Am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, maybe, but this is my reality.
My Daddy helps, but he also has a whole separate life from us. And sometimes I feel I get in the way of his life and it makes me want to withdraw from the world more. This is no fault of his, we knew what the circumstances were before we decided to become a couple, to create our D/s. Do I regret it? No, but this is how I feel at times. Maybe it’s normal I don’t know. I just know these feelings creep in on me. I do consider him my SO, he IS my SO. I would never betray him nor consider myself single. I am proudly owned by him. But you can’t control feelings that tend to creep in on you.
I have my good days and my bad days. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all, some days I sit in the dark and cry. I suppose it’s just human nature to have these off and on feelings. I will say today is one of my bad days.
I am very grateful for my Daddy, if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where I would be. His love is a shining star in my dark and lonely world.
I figured if I wrote this post it would help, and it has somewhat. But I still look out my window at the dark and dreary trees wishing someone would ding my phone. At least then I’d have some company and maybe I’d focus on the sunshine instead.