The start of my day was going pretty well, I finished some errands that needed to be done. I was getting things accomplished which makes me feel better in my day-to-day life. I have always been the responsible person who has taken care of everything and everyone. I worked hard and raised my children. And now that they are grown and on their own, now that I am divorced and no longer have a husband to take care of I am a bit out of sorts. I have never really put myself first or even really paid attention to myself. I regret that because I believe that is why I am having the issues I am having now. If you put me in charge of taking care of someone else I am good as gold! I know exactly what to do. Now that it is just me I have no one to focus on but myself and that can be a bit scary.
I have been doing pretty well but I have also had a lot of help from my Master. And I am so very very very grateful every day that he has come into my life. For so many reasons but that is a post for another day. I received a text message a few weeks back about applying for a free sim card so I could change sim cards out on my phone. When I have to do anything that pertains to whether or not my phone will work again makes me very nervous and stressed out. I depend on my phone way too much and I know this, but when you live alone and your SO lives miles away from you your phone is like a lifeline to the outside world and your SO. I am most definitely an introvert. And sometimes my phone is the way I “visit” the outside world. And as strange as this may sound when I don’t feel like I can “people” I still want to communicate with the outside world. Some days my phone gets on my nerves and I just want it to be quiet but when I am granted that wish I become very lonely and I start to panic. Why do you ask, because I get this overwhelming feeling that I have been forgotten or they no longer have any use for me? Stupid I know but it’s my head and I sadly have to live with what goes on in it. My Master has told me numerous times it is because of all the abuse I have endured from childhood to adulthood. Future counseling I know, one day I will get there. So back to the reason for this post.
I applied for the free sim card and I knew it was coming and I knew when it got here what I would have to do. I stressed over this the whole time I was waiting for it to arrive. It finally got here and my stress level increased significantly! I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do the switching of the two sim cards on my own. So I had to wait for Master and me to have an opportunity to get together via video chat so he could help me through it. Well, the whole time it was sitting here at my desk I would glance at it like it was an evil about to do me wrong. So my stress level just built and built while I was waiting to get together with Master. The time finally came that I had to do the deed! So Master and I got on a video call. He used TeamViewer to download an app that would back up my phone. We got that installed and started backing up my phone. I was ok at this point, naturally Master was the one doing the work. 😒I didn’t have to deal with it. We got that all done and then the time came that I had to switch the sim cards. I was trying to do it as the instructions said and I couldn’t get it to work. Yep, you guessed it the start of the meltdown, I tried several times to make it work like they were instructing but it just wouldn’t work. So Master must have seen the meltdown starting and he suggested that we leave it be for today and try to come back another time and finish it up. Well at this point I was halfway into my meltdown and I sure as hell didn’t want to sit here and continue to stress over changing out this damn sim card. Thoughts also were going through my head “what if I don’t get the new sim card to work and my phone stops working, am I going to have to get another one?! Am I going to be stuck without a phone for god knows how long?! How am I going to stay in contact with Master when I am not at home?! How are we going to do our nightly phone calls?! How are we going to communicate?! What if I am out and an emergency happens how do I get ahold of Master?!” Oh yeah, I was working up a real good panic mode. So I had to get this done whatever it took it needed to be done now or I would be stuck in panic mode. So I called the number that came with the paperwork for the new sim card. The agent on the other end walked me through everything and fixed it so the new sim card would work. Ok panic mode started to calm down some. We finished up and I hung up the phone (Master is still in a video call with me the whole time) so now I am thinking all I have to do now is change the sim card out one more time and then I am DONE! No more stressing and worrying over getting this done. WRONG! I changed out the sim cards and it wouldn’t work and the meltdown re-started, Master talked to me and was doing his best to calm me down (he may not realize it but he did calm me down if it wouldn’t have been for him I don’t think I would have gotten through it all) I started to cry I was so scared my phone was lost to me forever. My brain was all over the place so I tried exchanging them again taking out the new sim card and putting the old back in (because we thought that one still works) no we were wrong. It no longer had service the agent switched everything over to the new sim card and it didn’t work either.
Full-blown meltdown now, I am crying hysterically the fear and stress of all this has come full-blown and my fear of no longer being able to have touch with Master was first and foremost. Master is trying to soothe me to calm me down, I am trying to calm down and trying to figure out how to fix this. Through the calming of Master and my brain working a fraction at that moment, I thought ok try and put the new one back in if it doesn’t work Master can call technical support for me and we can get this all figured out. So I put the new one back in and BAM the thing starts to work. Master and I were so relieved! He even did a bit of a happy dance. At this point in all of this, the stress and the fear had taken their toll on me and I broke. I just kept crying I couldn’t stop, I felt relief for sure but my poor brain and emotions were so raw that I just couldn’t get them stabilized. Master bought me a stuffed elephant one Christmas he is one of my prized possessions along with his brother Grizzly who is my stuffed bear. Well my elephant’s name is Bama and Master knows when I get like this I need something to hang onto (preferably him but you work with what you have) so he told me to go get Bama. I immediately did and came back and sat at my desk where Master was on video chat. He then told me I want you to hug Bama right now as if you were hugging me. So I did and as I was doing so he was saying very soothing words to me and telling me how good I did. That I was his good girl. I am so damn grateful for this man!!! Some days I feel like I don’t deserve him most days I feel like I wouldn’t survive without him. He succeeded in calming me down.
Meltdown over and Bama in arms, at this point I was just done and I knew I went into little mode. I kept Bama with me the rest of the evening. We had dinner together and watched a little bit of T.V (next time though I am picking the movie!). We went to bed and I was feeling so exhausted! I was laying there beside Bama and Grizzly watching TikTok like I do every night so I can wind down. Waiting for my nightly phone call with Master. He finally called but it was a short call, I was disappointed that it was a short call especially after the horrific evening I had just had. But I also took a lot of circumstances into consideration, Master hadn’t slept well at all the night before it was also a “school night” for him. He had also been on video chat with me for most of the evening. So when he said he would like to go to sleep obviously I didn’t want him to get off the phone just then but I also was concerned about his lack of sleep the night before and the fact that he had to work the next day. I didn’t want him going to work overly tired “again” and being around dangerous machinery while trying to deal with idiotic co-workers. So grudgingly I agreed to get off the phone so he could go to sleep. Well, I stayed up a bit longer watching TikTok until finally, I decided to try and go to sleep. I slept fitfully and had some very strange not so nice dreams and when I woke up yesterday evening was still on my mind. Running through my thoughts throughout the day. Thinking “what could I have done differently” or “why are you such an idiot and have to break down with the simplest thing“. Yeah torturing myself a bit (ok maybe a lot).
So I have been in my head most of the day, well Master always texts me during his lunch break and he asked me how I was doing and I told him. He again reassured me that I did well and it is all fixed now. So after talking with Master again and writing this post I am feeling better. But I am going to work on myself and my confidence.
This post is dedicated to you Master, thank you for always being there for me and holding me up when I need you. You are my rock, my love, and my hero. I love you so very much!